Tag Archives: carpe diem

Art Makes for Wings…

Femme fatale in bloom with boa....?

Much better.  Well after midnight, and a surge of will to hobble in for a hot shower.

This is not an easy thing and sometimes presents itself to me as an ordeal.  The doorways are too small for the walker.  The bath bench, too high,  bumps up against the raised toilet seat, so that I have to swing my legs across it.  I have to plan– off with the old damp clothes, arrange the new in order.  Soaping up, sluicing down, keeping the shower curtain tucked under me to keep the water in the tub.  Standing briefly, right leg bowed to 30 degrees, swelling at the bow,  the joints riding on nothing.

Then a rinse, a dry-off, a storm of talc, clean clothes.  Yes.  much better.

There is such an immense disparity between my ability to live fully on the page–in art– and the constraints of my physical reality.  It has taken me three years to fully weight- bear on the mishealed fractured leg, braced.  Three years ago I was afraid to go five feet from safety: a wheelchair.

I write in the morning; that is to say, I soar, I sing, I dream and give shape to another post, an essay, a page of the novella, a query for the memoir.  I feel like myself then.

And then my body claims me.  My legs have swollen; I am faint; everything has to go on hold.  I surrender to exhaustion and often, depression, forgetting that only a brave person would attempt to live independently and try to live a writing life, dwelling within creativity, singing on.

After two hours of rest, dozing to cable news,  I can start the whole routine again.  By then I need to get out of here and I hobble out to my truck with my gimpy Golden Retriever Tess.  The truck gives us wings; we fly out along a country road, radio blasting, windows down.

I stop for a latte at a drive in java joint, and a treat for Tess.  I bump over the country lane to the place that as we are, is being claimed by the attrition of the years.

I climb up the stairs with the aid of two sturdy railings, transfer to the other walker, and scoot over the carpet to let one litter of five kittens and one of three out to play, praying that good homes are in the offing.  I lose myself in a bit of nurturing but always, with opera in the background.

Thank the stars for the color, intensity and beauty of  art.  We can live into language, paintings,  music,  just as we can live into any element of the moment, become one with the bel canto, the dusk, the frieze of trees outside the kitchen window.

I know of no other way to keep going.  To write stories, to spin yarns, to let poems come flooding to the page, to remember to notice the bounty and mystery of the moment.  To imagine my way into being adored and transfigured by a stranger on the coast of Somewhere.   Then, I forget what has happened to me– that I can’t walk, and have become homely and conspicuous.  Transcendence is perhaps a lost art, but it is how many of us with compromised or no mobility have to live.

I’ve dug in to my little niche in the fourplex where I have comforting and busy neighbors.  I feel safe here.  I stay up for hours writing, surmounting, “forgetting,”  that an early winter has come to me, that I no longer recognize that one in the mirror.

Perhaps it is meant to be this way; as our bodies become more husk-like, our spirits strengthen; the heart opens to life to take it in, drinking in the season.

The choir is singing “Behold, all flesh is as the grass.”

Isn’t that the truth.


Past, Delicious; Present, Imperfect…

There are just too many ironies and confluences today  for me not to “blog,” to make a record and attempt to make sense of certain things.    It is mid-morning, a beautiful Spring day in Fort Collins.  One of the mares has foaled a very small pale baby I can only make out from a distance.  It is not out of the question that the mare was bred back by her own sire and sometimes this has a good result, sometimes not.  What I see is perfectly formed, tiny, already dancing at two days of age.  I could only see her through veils of rain yesterday, as I risked heading East on Vine Drive in the middle of a tornado warning; it is open there, to storms.  I thought I could see a funnel cloud off in the distance.

Tess sat next to me and then we spotted two mallards in the creek made by the rain on the other side of the fence.  She sprang to her feet, hitting me in the face with her tail.  A surge of youth and memory:  ducks!

I decided to write another chapter of my memoir of my trip to Europe, to more fully develop my time in Calabria with the man I met in Verona.  Irony the first is that I have been revising and printing out chapters and reading them to my companion who is also an ex-love, our bond having been forged now by twenty years, through good times and bad.  He is also a writer, teacher and editor and  had said he thought a scene was lacking, i.e. not erotic enough, which made me laugh as he seems so outwardly conservative and ever says to me that “that part” of his life is over.

So, I’ve been working on what turns out to be quite the challenge, to write an erotic scene neither too graphic nor evasive.  Marilyn Hacker, writing on memoir, says that if you build up toward such a scene, you shouldn’t cheat the reader.

So there I am, writing these steamy scenes, waiting for the person to come home who is no longer my lover but my friend and companion.  Anyone could see that this scenario would generate wistfulness, so that when he came in, I might be engaging in some transference and feeling some thwarted desire…

Even so, I should keep that to myself and not let it all leach out into the present and the often problematic realities of  ”us,” and how amorphous and ever evolving that “us” is.  In our long talks and dinners and watchings of television and playing with the dogs and dealing with the cats, sometimes I don’t realize that if I am critical or complaining it is about something entirely different than why he forgot milk at the store.

Finally, after painful talk,  I came home and went to bed and I had a terrible nightmare.  I dreamt that I had gone out there and that he was in flagrante delicto with some friend, and that I had punched both their lights out! At one point I had whoever she was by the collar demanding to know why she slept with him and she said, “I don’t know.”   Truly. It’s funny, but it’s sad, and it’s revealing.  I haven’t had a betrayal/jealousy dream around us in a very long time.

This makes me think that inner and outer worlds are truly in collision and that my subconscious is very confused!

Anyway, this morning  I had a good cry, and he said, “We’ll do better,” which meant the world and sent another wave of feeling through me as I tried to get back to the memoir.  I finally did some work on it and the erotic scenes are….better. What a relief, to be in the moment, writing, on a beautiful spring day, about to make a sandwich and take a nap.

If I turn back to try to plunder either the present or the past for what it can no longer give me, I’m screwed.  Love takes wrong turns and it’s sometimes tempting to burn a bridge to another human being.  Then we have the bridges that no matter how hard we try, how much gasoline we’ve poured over them and how many matches lit and thrown there, won’t burn.

Reggio di Calabria, IT


Eden and the Realm of the Senses….

The sensuality of post-modern and contemporary poetry (Whitman the preeminent exception among the American Romantics), the permissions given us to write/say anything in the best of  the writing that tries to convey our Edenic nature– is on my mind at the moment:   see my exchange with Lyle Daggett on yesterday’s post:  here is the D.H. Lawrence poem I told him about and that he found:  beautiful!

Piano

Softly, in the dusk, a woman is singing to me;
Taking me back down the vista of years, till I see
A child sitting under the piano, in the boom of the tingling strings
And pressing the small, poised feet of a mother who smiles as she sings.

In spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song
Betrays me back, till the heart of me weeps to belong
To the old Sunday evenings at home, with winter outside
And hymns in the cosy parlour, the tinkling piano our guide.

So now it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour
With the great black piano appassionato. The glamour
Of childish days is upon me, my manhood is cast
Down in the flood of remembrance, I weep like a child for the past.

D.H. Lawrence

1918

Naturally as a woman writer looking back at this poem I love the lines…”my manhood is cast/Down in the flood of remembrance…” and the sensuality of the man-child touching his mother’s feet as she plays.

The poem that changed my view of literature– and perhaps me, forever, is Love on the Farm, a D.H. Lawrence poem I first read at the tender and self-seducing age of sixteen.  I’m not much of an intellectual sort of literary critic. I can only say that the blazing sensuality of this poem so captivated me that I read it many times.

Lawrence is renowned for his marriage of the carnal and spiritual.  In my memoir Nightfall in Verona, I use lines from opera as epigraphs but the final chapter begins with the final stanza of this poem:

Love on the Farm

What large, dark hands are those at the window

Grasping in the golden light

Which weaves its way through the evening wind

At my heart’s delight?

.

Ah, only the leaves! But in the west

I see a redness suddenly come

Into the evening’s anxious breast —

‘Tis the wound of love goes home!

.

The woodbine creeps abroad

Calling low to her lover:

The sunlit flirt who all the day

Has poised above her lips in play

And stolen kisses, shallow and gay

Of pollen, now has gone away —

She woos the moth with her sweet, low word;

And when above her his moth-wings hover

Then her bright breast she will uncover

And yield her honey-drop to her lover.

.

Into the yellow, evening glow

Saunters a man from the farm below;

Leans, and looks in at the low-built shed

Where the swallow has hung her marriage bed.

The bird lies warm against the wall.

She glances quick her startled eyes

Towards him, then she turns away

Her small head, making warm display

Of red upon the throat. Her terrors sway

Her out of the nest’s warm, busy ball,

Whose plaintive cry is heard as she flies

In one blue stoop from out the sties

Into the twilight’s empty hall.

.

Oh, water-hen, beside the rushes

Ride your quaintly scarlet blushes,

Still your quick tall, lie still as dead,

Till the distance folds over his ominous tread!

The rabbit presses back her ears,

Turns back her liquid, anguished eyes

And crouches low; then with wild spring

Spurts from the terror of his oncoming;

To be choked back, the wire ring

Her frantic effort throttling:

Piteous brown ball of quivering fears!

Ah, soon in his large, hard hands she dies,

And swings all loose from the swing of his walk!

Yet calm and kindly are his eyes

And ready to open in brown surprise

Should I not answer to his talk

Or should he my tears surmise.

.

I hear his hand on the latch, and rise from my chair

Watching the door open; he flashes bare

His strong teeth in a smile, and flashes his eyes

In a smile like triumph upon me; then careless-wise

He flings the rabbit soft on the table board

And comes towards me: ah! the uplifted sword

Of his hand against my bosom! and oh, the broad

Blade of his glance that asks me to applaud

His coming! With his hand he turns my face to him

And caresses me with his fingers that still smell grim

Of the rabbit’s fur! God, I am caught in a snare!

I know not what fine wire is round my throat;

I only know I let him finger there

My pulse of life, and let him nose like a stoat

Who sniffs with joy before he drinks the blood.

.

And down his mouth comes to my mouth! and down

His bright dark eyes come over me, like a hood

Upon my mind! his lips meet mine, and a flood

Of sweet fire sweeps across me, so I drown

Against him, die, and find death good.

You can imagine the reaction among the stolid academics to this poem in the twenties, as to Lawrence’s other work. Interestingly, perhaps, only to me, is that I rented an old farm house some years ago that had been trashed by ex-flea marketeers/hoarders:  among the chaff I found a banned copy/ first edition, The Swiss edition,  of Lady Chatterley’s Lover in perfect shape.

I did not want to choke my Golden Retriever in a snare when she chewed the cover off a book that might be worth a chunk of change on e-bay…. but close.

Now that I’ve reread this dramatic poem after years away from it, I wonder what an editor would say to a living writer who wrote, “I only know I let him finger there/My pulse of life, and let him nose like a stoat/Who sniffs with joy before he drinks the blood.”

Lawrence perpetuated the idea that women like to be “taken”.  As in swept away ala Lina Wertmuller, the film by that name, a sort of remake of Lady Chatterley, that we long to be ravished/dominated like a lioness in heat  by someone primitive, hirsute, a man of few words with good hands and…  is that true? ?????

Meanwhile, into this terminal Romantic’s life, comes opera, longing of operatic dimension or longing for love of operatic intensity.  It makes me sad to sense that men and women may not come together in these terms anymore, leaving it to art to plumb these depths for us.

Here is a spectacular poem– the title poem, in essence, of Lyle Dagget’s The First Light Touches Me, published last year by Red Dragonfly Press:

the making of eve
.
the first light touches me, is a feather breath
over me,  suddenly awake
in the green world.
.
in the shiver of leaves, the fingertip touch
of dewdrops, the high cry
of a bird lost in mist,
.
there is no other voice, no word, no speech
like mine, no form long-limbed
and blue with shadow
.
stepping through the gathering morning.
i am the first, then,
of the many i will be on the earth.
.
the slip and brown glance of the deer,
the slap of the fish in the clear pool,
the whisper of the snake, cool and sybilline,
.
pass to me their knowledge of this place
and this time and of times to come.
this is the garden of knowledge,
.
this is the tree of our making,
where i speak to you and you speak to me
and we know each other.
.
in the light on the bright hills and bent grass
from the ribs of the earth
i come to the world.
.
and so i have made myself:
i speak the first word.
come now to life, and hear it.

copyright Lyle Daggett 2009

I wish I had time to fully come to terms with this poem in a way that illuminates it for others but I think it illuminates itself.  When I first read it I was blown away by several things.  First of all, it is almost a whisper of a series of allusions to something holy: the making of woman.  That it has this quality makes it inherently sensual and romantic in the literary sense of reverence for the felt, more than the understood or rational world.  This mythic woman is coming awake to who she is; her senses are attuned to Eden.  Furthermore, you can feel the intensity of the poet’s scrutiny of his subject in terms of the care with which he chooses each and every word.  There is a deliberateness here that is the hallmark of brilliant writing, and something of a mystery in “this is the tree of our making,/where i speak to you and you speak to me/and we know each other. One assumes the serpent and all of nature, as lover, and allusion to biblical “knowing.”

I close this post with a poem I wrote four years ago abounding with Lawrence’s influence:  The last few lines define my sensibility even as I age, beseeching my neglected dugs to not wither up in the moonlight.  I like this poem for its expansiveness and lyrical generosity, as well as the ways in which it is suggestive of an opening to experience.

Othello Returns as Desire to Claim His Poet

.

Tonight from the plains, a wind

Comes into the garden:  it is the wind

That carries pollen, the promise of kisses

Flower to flower;

One rose wants to open; another is bitten off

By something feral, at dusk.

.

I walk along the path, humming old Spanish songs

From the New Mexico years, carry a candle

Out to the cherry tree, a glass of cider,

The branches lean down over the dreaming twilight

And the first stars

.

And then, into the garden, steps

Desire, in his long cloak,

His deceptively gentle footfall;

He too is humming, lines from Verdi, Puccini.

He is a shape in the darkness,

A semblance, a Moor, half-sinister.

.

It seems we know each other well.

But I have not wanted him to visit this night—

A long hot day, thinking of practical things

At work on a book, pinching back the ivy.

.

As I say, he knows me too well;  he steps to the back

Of the chair where I sit, and bends down

To kiss my neck.

Electricity travels down my spine.  Yearning

Stirs in the belly, nerves

Waken where they wake, yes

The corners of the mouth, and between the thighs.

.

He is persistent, patient, like night itself.

He lurks in the shadows;

I pretend he is not there for as long as I can

Before I go in, light candles, put on jazz

And a filmy gown, turn back the quilt,

Take my Victorian grandmother’s photograph off the wall,

Should we find ourselves in that room.

.

But he loiters, whistling, by the gate, feigning indifference.

I go back out to where I was, under the wings of the cherry tree,

As if I am alone, I sit down,

Slide out of my underwear and kick off my sandals.

.

A moon, then—orange, full of honey, on the horizon;

He takes off his cloak,

And kneels down on the damp grass.

His is an ageless face, half-discernible in the darkness.

.

Better not to know who this is

Who takes me then, drinking my kisses,

Tearing off my gown, bracing my feet

On his shoulders,

Stifling my cries of joy

Teasing me with long and tapered fingers.

.

After midnight, jazz still on the stereo

I wake, and go out to the garden

Remembering that something took place

In the deep summer night,

.

That I was known and devoured

Plundered, and fed–

Afflicted by such tender, ephemeral

And proficient touch

As to be doomed to be hungry forever.

In Lawrencian fashiion I give myself to the imagined Other; the poem itself may be seen as a metaphor for inhabiting the rich sensual world– a moment of ecstasy at being, and being awakened in an Edenic sense.  The “I” of the poem wants to be consumed by experience and yet in the consuming is rendered the more hungry, infused with more longing to know and to be known.

I make use of a number of mythologies and archetypes in this poem, principally as it were, The Prince of Darkness, the Otello, the Moor, the Vampire Lover, the Devourer.  The persona is “plundered and fed” at the same time, and “afflicted” by touch by something overwhelming and powerful:  a mythical, darkly sensual presence.

Now that I’ve thought about these poems again and written about them a little, here’s a thought: a potent writing challenge would be to relate an erotic experience solely in imagery and metaphor, without commenting or becoming prosaic.

(formatting notes:  something in the blog won’t recognize  stanza breaks without a character;  hence the dots…)

copyright Jenne’ R. Andrews  2010


Notes on the Infinite Familiar…

The daughters of the great Arabian stallion Naborr, sequestered in Poland

I need to see the world in dimension, that the ancient trees do not rend the sky but lift their fullness up against it.  That small, short-winged birds fly in two strands with one in the lead, like a broken necklace, and fade into distance, yet do not truly disappear.

That Patterson’s mares are still there, on the furry stubble, stiff with frost, in the field off Lindenmier road, a two-lane north-south route along the eastern edge of Fort Collins that  I have driven for decades.

I drive past in late afternoon and they are clustered near the fence.  They will each foal in a few months, dropping writhing life in shining silver sacs like porpoises into the grass.

A newborn foal does not make a sound.  Wet, its ears down, it sits up, shakes itself, drinking in oxygen, while it is licked dry by its dam. It hears its own voice, its tiny facsimile cry, later.

I once thought that the pack of coyotes that come in during foaling season, lurking at the edges of this field, should be trapped or shot.  I would do it, if these were my mares.

But I have seen them come in to the hollow in the field where a mare foaled and clean it up, sac and afterbirth and cord.  If a coyote ever likes the scent of the foal too much and follows it, the mare whirls, pins her ears and goes after it in a snaking gallop.

We– I– have learned the world with my hands, as much as my eyes.  I remember breaking the buds off the irises that grew against the adobe wall of our house on Indian School Road, in Albuquerque, and wrapping them in small squares of soft blanketing, and lining them up in a box, on a piece of red velvet.  I loved their shape and pulpy softness, their warmth.

I remember creeping in my sneakers over a forest floor, in the Manzano Mountains, my father scaling trees to collect samples of dwarf mistletoe, my hands cupped, scooping up tiny skittering horny-toads, little lizards with soft white bellies.  I would sit on a fallen log with one of these in my hands, turning it by the tail onto its back, rubbing its stomach with one finger so that it would close its eyes, seeming not to fear me.

One day, on impulse, I bought a small brown foal at a farm garage sale for a hundred dollars.

I sat in the long green grass with my foal while he slept, his mother grazing nearby.  I stroked his muzzle, counted his whiskers, rubbed the skin over his eyes, caressed his ears.  He gave me someplace to go, something to touch.

The world in its dimensions, its depth of field.  Lindenmier Road runs past the hospital, across Highway 14, and north, past the barrio that came into being with the construction of a sugar beet factory along the Union Pacific railroad tracks in the fifties, past the field now leased by a farmer named Patterson, who owns the paint mares in foal.

The road used to then take you into the country where few people lived.  On the right side of the road was the estate of the man after whom the road was first named: Old Man Lindenmier.

He lived in a dark, enormous house back in the house, all alone.  No one ever saw him.  We imagined what he might look like, what he might say.

We hid in the trees, wondering what would happen if we explored the woods.  Nothing.  Then, one day we slipped into the small lake that was his, untying his raft, and pushing it out into the water.  We climbed aboard.

The raft was made of pallets nailed together, in turn nailed on empty, sealed off oil barrels.  It was covered with a ragged grey carpeting.  We dove from it into green, depthless water, at first when we could not swim, turning around and dog-paddling back.

He never came to chase us away, or fired a shot over our heads despite the No Trespassing signs that rusted every fifty feet or so on his barbed wire fence.

From the raft, looking North, we could get a close view of Lindenmier’s buffalo.  For a decade he had his own small herd, shaggy cows, a patriarch bull; every spring the cows would lie down in the grass and birth small red calves with curly fur, that stood shakily in the spring sunlight.

I borrowed a red mare named Honey Bee from friends, and rode toward the mountains from our house.  I never went very far; you couldn’t, because the road would cleave at another lake stretching away, white gulls flying over it.

I would often ride her to a ridge across from our house, in an undeveloped field.  I could see the entire sea of mountains, rocking back against each other like a monumental tide frozen in stone and in time, quartz clefts zig-zagging through them– compacted veins of snow, meeting at the summit.

I have traveled far and wide to learn the world, first to Minnesota, then to Europe and to Italy, to Corsica, to France– to Maine and to Nova Scotia..  Then I came back to Colorado and lived in my family’s salt-box house on a hill, with the mountains filling the window.

Again and again I broke away, to come back, to the quadrant of Larimer County boundaried by Lindenmier Road to the East, and Taft Hill to the West.  I began to give up on leaving and becoming an expat in Mexico, or Italy.

A few years back, I had a small trailer house at a boarding stable a mere mile and a half from my family home.  I kept a young rose-grey Arabian named Seranade in the barn, hock deep in clean shavings and fresh straw.

One night I went in to check on her, to stand with her, my arms wrapped around her neck, her head dropped to my shoulder, her great, dark eyes half-closed, in the prescience of the Arabian; an Arabian mare knows to whom she belongs.

I heard a sound that I thought was a lonely and bored stallion sucking air, chewing on a post.  I walked down the dim alley of the barn; the white Paso Fino mare kept in one of the stalls had disappeared.  Then I saw her down, straining.

I went in grabbing an armload of hay to make a bed behind her.  Her foal was hung up by a shoulder.

I eased the foal free; it slid into my lap; I peeled away the sac.

The mare stood, whirled and came to us and dropped her head, breathing in the scent of her foal, an auburn filly.

I left the stall, walking on down the alley way, to take Serenade out to grass, in the deeps of greenness, the two of us part of a depth of field, the dimensions of existence, two beings within the dragonfly detail of a moment that spent itself quickly, in the disintegration of the clouds overhead.


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